Things That Shouldn't Be Recalled: A Total Recall Remake and other movies I don't want to see

So the trailer for the remake of Total Recall was just released. I'm going to have you watch it before I start ranting.

Total Recall (2012)

So here we have a remake of 1990's Total Recall starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, which brings up too many questions already, such as "Why would an Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie ever be made??!!!" ...Which is exactly what I asked myself (with that amount of rage). I have seen the original, and in my opinion, it's exactly what it claims to be: a campy, futuristic Schwarzenegger-beating-the-crap-out-of-everyone romp. And that's not good. So I'm wondering: who thought this was a good idea?

I don't know who thought it would be good, but whoever it was thought it would also be a good idea to make a heavy special effects laden film starring an entire cast of beautiful people. And that, I'll admit, was a good idea. Every blockbuster ever ever ever has followed this formula and has been pretty successful, so I don't doubt that this movie will do fine financially in theaters. However, I will not be seeing this film for many, many, many many many reasons.

First of all, did you see John Cho's hair? LOL are you kidding me. At least this film didn't lose the campiness of the original... although, is that really a good thing?

Second, the "let's throw every beautiful person into an action movie" gag is really getting old. I've seen Transformers already, thank you very much. And Tron. And Thor, Inception, Clash of the Titans, Salt, Eagle Eye, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, etc. etc. etc. All of which were very successful films, some of which were absolutely terrible. Oh, and don't think I missed that Jessica Biel-Kate Beckinsale fight scene. Hello, boys 12-34 demographic.

Third, I've seen the original film. Do I have any idea what it was about? No. Does this trailer give me any idea what it's about? Nope, because it relies so heavily on its star power, fights, and effects.

Count me out, please.

This brings me to more movies I don't want to see, such as...

Bel Ami (2012)

Don't get me wrong, I'm as big a Christina Ricci fan as the next kid. But I'm sorry, can Robert Pattinson stop getting movie roles? He acts the same way in every film (read: vampire). If you've ever seen Remember Me, you would have recognized his brooding, silent stare that was made so (in)famous in The Twilight Saga. Not even Uma can pull this one through for me. Sorry Robert, I admire your style, but you are the worst.

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

In no universe ever ever ever will Kristen Stewart surpass Charlize Theron. This film is presumptuous in trying to tell me the opposite.

Wait, who am I kidding? I'm totally going to see this movie just to watch Charlize bathe in milk. And it totally beats the other Snow White movie, Mirror Mirror. I never liked Julia Roberts anyway.
Sold.

Haters, I encourage you to hate (in the comments).

-S