Total Recall (2012)
So here we have a remake of 1990's Total Recall starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, which brings up too many questions already, such as "Why would an Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie ever be made??!!!" ...Which is exactly what I asked myself (with that amount of rage). I have seen the original, and in my opinion, it's exactly what it claims to be: a campy, futuristic Schwarzenegger-beating-the-crap-out-of-everyone romp. And that's not good. So I'm wondering: who thought this was a good idea?
I don't know who thought it would be good, but whoever it was thought it would also be a good idea to make a heavy special effects laden film starring an entire cast of beautiful people. And that, I'll admit, was a good idea. Every blockbuster ever ever ever has followed this formula and has been pretty successful, so I don't doubt that this movie will do fine financially in theaters. However, I will not be seeing this film for many, many, many many many reasons.
First of all, did you see John Cho's hair? LOL are you kidding me. At least this film didn't lose the campiness of the original... although, is that really a good thing?
Second, the "let's throw every beautiful person into an action movie" gag is really getting old. I've seen Transformers already, thank you very much. And Tron. And Thor, Inception, Clash of the Titans, Salt, Eagle Eye, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, etc. etc. etc. All of which were very successful films, some of which were absolutely terrible. Oh, and don't think I missed that Jessica Biel-Kate Beckinsale fight scene. Hello, boys 12-34 demographic.
Third, I've seen the original film. Do I have any idea what it was about? No. Does this trailer give me any idea what it's about? Nope, because it relies so heavily on its star power, fights, and effects.
Count me out, please.
This brings me to more movies I don't want to see, such as...
Bel Ami (2012)
Don't get me wrong, I'm as big a Christina Ricci fan as the next kid. But I'm sorry, can Robert Pattinson stop getting movie roles? He acts the same way in every film (read: vampire). If you've ever seen Remember Me, you would have recognized his brooding, silent stare that was made so (in)famous in The Twilight Saga. Not even Uma can pull this one through for me. Sorry Robert, I admire your style, but you are the worst.
Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)
In no universe ever ever ever will Kristen Stewart surpass Charlize Theron. This film is presumptuous in trying to tell me the opposite.
Wait, who am I kidding? I'm totally going to see this movie just to watch Charlize bathe in milk. And it totally beats the other Snow White movie, Mirror Mirror. I never liked Julia Roberts anyway.
Sold.
Haters, I encourage you to hate (in the comments).
-S
Dear S,
ReplyDeleteIt is apparent from your total lack of respect for these actors and actresses that you have no respect for the amount of sacrifice these people make to entertain us. Colin Farrell is one of the great talents of this generation having brought us such brilliant films as "In Bruges", "The Way Back", and "Tiger Land" all of which won him several awards including a Golden Globe. He doesn't act simply for money or fame, but because he enjoys and is coming close to mastering the art, he could make more and would be better known if he went the path of such two-bit celebrities as DeCaprio and Affleck. He is not simply a pretty face, and for you to objectify him in such a fashion is disgusting
You then turned your sights on Kristen Stewart, whom provides an entirely different sexual vibe than Charlize Theron and who, quite frankly, I would prefer to bang.
Finally, Julia Roberts deserves respect after a long and accomplished career including a best actress win at the Academy Awards. We owe her that after all the entertainment she has provided us over the years. SO MAYBE STOP WITH THE SNARK AND START GETTING REAL!
-L
Dear S,
ReplyDeleteI resent your statements referring to the great Robert Pattinson. It is apparent from this and the references made in the previous comment (see L) that you have no respect for the amount of sacrifice these people make to entertain us. Robert Pattinson is one of the great talents of this generation having brought us such brilliant films as "Twilight", "The Twilight Saga: New Moon", "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse", "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1", and the teaser of "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2" all of which have won him several compliments revolving around his beautiful posture, fashionable pea-coat, and divinely constructed hair. He doesn't act simply for money or fame, but because he enjoys looking constipated and is coming close to mastering the art of staring; he could make more and be better known if he went the path of such two-bit celebrities as Streep or Firth. He is simply a pretty face, and for you to objectify him in such a fashion that is not positive is disgusting. So next time you insult Robert Pattinson for his acting abilities, maybe you should only look skin deep and realize his true and utter brilliance in film-making and beyond. So maybe stop with the snark and hop on spidermonkey!
-K